Amma and Appa
Every day she wakes when the moon
Falls into the slit of rising sensations.
The bell rings in the puja room for Vishnu
And the picture of her sister still stands beside the gods.
She wears an unstarched, purple cotton sari
Falls into the slit of rising sensations
And begins her daily “works” in the kitchen
And the picture of her sister still stands beside the gods.
Her sweet gestures swim into an unbearable aroma
Falls into the slit of rising sensations
And every day, he picks crimson hibiscus and offers them to the gods
And the picture of her sister still stands beside the gods.
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Dorothy Tunnell
ReplyDeletePantoum
Critical Response
Michael Knox
I enjoyed the concept and feel of the poem you have written. I thought the words really expressed the surroundings and I was able to draw an image of what was happening. The last line of each stanza is an excellent last line to for this poem and gives off the impression of drawing back to a center, maybe a norm. What ever it is the line is a powerful fall back line. I am getting an image of a woman who wakes everyday when the sun replaces the moon and she goes to work cooking. Then a man picks hibiscus leaves and offers them to the gods. That could be a typo with "he" in the second to last line, if it is then a man doesn't enter the picture. I am not all to familiar with the Indian culture so I am relying on what you are giving me to understand what you are trying to present. Well done, but I do have a few questions and comments I would like to make on the content, and the style of a pantoum.
Amma and Appa is a title the presents the idea that there are two people in this poem. However, when reading the poem only one girl is represented and if the sister in the picture is the second girl I would recommend implying that somewhere in the poem. It is confusing also, you never once suggest who Amma or who Appa is. In terms of the first line, "everyday she wakes," who is she? Unless Appa is a man and then my question is why does he come in so late in the poem. I do understand that there is a style that you have to follow, but within the poem you can change certain phrases to better suit the line and flow of the poem. It is already modified so I won't touch base to much on that, but even changing the suffix of the first word of the second line in other stanzas (Falls) to (Falling) it would allow the poem to continue on rather then stop at abrupt moments.
All in all though I did very much enjoy the poem and hope my response can be of some help, and keep writing. You are great with imagery just rap it around a plot and stick to it.
I enjoyed this poem immensely, Dorothy. I just want to say I think it is one of your best. It’s full of wonderful sensations and has a moving story as well and it’s hard to nail both of those in one poem. I also like how you didn’t let the pantoum form own you; you worked with the form to make it your own, which I believe form should do for you essentially; especially if you are a poet who is much more comfortable writing in free verse. The poem begins with the start of a day, and the images rise slowly, one at a time, which is very suitable for the content. Initially, it seems like a positive description of the woman’s daily tasks, that is, up until the fourth line of the first stanza. As the poem progresses, that repeated last line grows to become more powerful, and the lines preceding it build it’s intensity very well. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI think the first line of the second stanza has too many adjectives for sari. You might want to consider taking one or two out so as not to take power away from them. Like your good friend Brendan Constantine said in our workshop, if you find yourself with three adjectives, you may have the wrong noun! (But obviously, that doesn’t really apply here. You need that specific noun.) I’m not really sure why the word “works” is in quotes. Her chores are work, right? Or were you referring to something else? Clarify that a little bit. The last stanza is also confusing to me. The man is introduced for the first time and seems a little unrelated. And although I feel the last repeated line is very powerful, I still don’t fully understand how her sister relates. I expected it to be explained by the end of the poem, yet it was still unclear to me. Just keep that in mind. Otherwise, this is a really brilliant poem.